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My online dating profile

To my dear friends, who encourage me to try and meet a good man and settle down, I’m so sorry to have gotten your attention under false pretences… Man, how I hate it when advertisers bait you with their fake news headings…

Anyway, I’m glad you’re here now, I hope you’ll stick around a while.

I had a visit from a good friend late last week, who mentioned that it’s a wonderful thing to arrive somewhere and be celebrated for who you are. And I want to say a massive thank you, to all my wonderful friends and family who think I’m interesting, and relevant, and just awesome! Right back at you. I do miss seeing your beautiful faces in person. It seems that we may be gathering on other virtual platforms going forward, as some of you are, or have, been migrating to different chat apps.

But back to me. I just emptied the contents of my recycling bin into the blue recycling bin downstairs, and as I walked away, I wondered what people would think if they saw my offerings. They could probably be forgiven for assuming that I’ve been drinking a little lots lately, what with the empty wine bottle, and bottle of gin – which in my defence took me about six months to empty, but before you say “yeah Chrissi, you protest a little much” I’ll get closer to my point…although I must admit that I am intrigued by the deductions the critics may make about my persona and habits, due to the fact that I do at least recycle.

If those same people were to go through my regular rubbish bin, this would paint an entirely new picture of me (I think). A lot of hair (I know, it’s gross, I’m shedding hair like a Persian cat), an empty bag of fruit chutney chips, a lot of vegetable and fruit peelings (no garden, can’t compost) and for the life of me, I cannot remember what else went into the black bin. I assure you, I am not going back to check for you.

If they looked at my empty car parking spots, they may think “She doesn’t own a car”. And they’d be right.

If they followed me upstairs they would see a selection of herbs and plants, and at least two pairs of trainers. “She grows stuff, and she must run,” they may think.

If they saw the ginger cat that’s become a regular caller at my door, they may think, “she has a cat”. And while this little creature brings me much joy, he’s not mine. Although, when he is here, he does act as though my little home is entirely his. His ability to just arrive and settle down so quickly, really does intrigue me.

If they saw the row of vitamins in the kitchen, they may think “She consumes vitamins” – but alas, she always forgets. It’s the bane of her life.

If they looked at yesterday’s google searches – intercranial pressure, smeg, pro bono, telemedicine, differentials and administer anaesthetic – who knows what they may think. You tell me.

If they walk into my study, and start flipping through the file that says “Private & Confidential” then for sure, we’d have a stand off. And if I have that level of sensitive and correct information on line, then yes, that makes me nervous, especially with the amount of data mining and privacy violations.

But just for fun, based on the above information and what we’ve learned about me today, what could my online dating profile look like:

Chrissi is a middle-aged (be nice!) raging alcoholic spinster with a cat. She runs off her hangover on a daily basis, and tries to nurse her battered body back to health with vitamins, and some healthy foods. She has no car. She is going bald, and spends her days searching for solutions to her medical challenges online.

I sure hope that doesn’t sound like me (to those who know me) and I’m guessing that the organisations ‘stealing’ our private information probably have more quality control processes in place, than I do. But I don’t think any of these platforms ever publicly promised us confidentiality, and our presumption of this is perhaps naïve.

Whereas I do seriously doubt the accuracy of some of the information they glean, I do worry a little about the kind of information they have access to, and share. Why, just the other day I was googling Gerbera Brand Management and would you know it’s a South African based company, with approximately a $6-million annual turnover, and about 18 staff. Well, I never…one can but dream. Send me a wire, and tell me what you think.

Till soon xxx

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19 Comments

  1. Brilliant, as per usual!
    You’ve just given them a whole lot more ideas for useless ads to bombard you with though…
    The American dream is, in fact, a nightmare!
    But hey! We’re relatively healthy and sane, for now…
    We both probably know people who refrain from using smart phones and social media platforms, not due to them being anti-social, but because they don’t want to arm nasty people with any profiling info…
    Thanks for the smiles!

  2. You forgot to mention that the old spinster is not podgy but rather streamlined, has an adventurous streak and quite partial to good fun albeit after a few 🍷

  3. I do love the framing perspective of this piece. I must say that you’re also quite hilarious – I love how you’re able to light-heartedly communicate serious issues. Thanks for writing and sharing this.
    And – miss you a whole LOT!

      1. Nicely written Chrissi.
        I wish I could have shared that wine you had with you. I like your cheeky comments about loosing the most important information…Luan sends his regards 🙂

        1. Ahhh!! You and Luan are such a wonderful match 💕😬 I’d definitely share my wine with you…if you weren’t all the way up in Tan…

  4. Online dating 🤔..now this would be an interesting one..what to put in and what to leave out…can’t say too much 🧐😃..love it friend.

  5. Gosh, I think our dating profiles are quite similar !!! except I have a car 🙂 I wonder if that even is an advantage if we cant actually go anywhere…
    Thanks for being so entertaining always 🙂

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